Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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