hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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