You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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