he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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