if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
