Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
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