he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
