youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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