The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
