Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
