Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
