he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
