I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
