that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
