never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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