I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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