I think i peed on brittanys purse
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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