Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
