I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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