Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
