Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
