Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You took a bar mat shot.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
