bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
