I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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