I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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