I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize