He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
