people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
