I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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