I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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