where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Alive.
So much puke
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize