If that was your dad, he is hot
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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