I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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