I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
They took my balls.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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