Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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