well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
