Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I didn't notice because vodka
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize