Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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