So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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