Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
