I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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