look no pants
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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