Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
