I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
