An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize