My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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