So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
