eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
