: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize