I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
