Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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