The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
i think i just lost a toe
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize