Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
