Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
