I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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