So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
