you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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