you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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