I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So vagazzling was a success
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
